“Set Free By Truth” - Julie's Testimony
I believed in Jesus Christ as my personal Savior “the first time” when I was about four years old. I say “the first time” because I grew up in a church that believed you could lose your salvation over any little sin that was not immediately confessed, so I prayed the prayer of salvation hundreds of times growing up, never really secure in my eternal future.
This spiritual insecurity, coupled with a harsh and unapproachable father, left me feeling unlovable, worthless, and fearful. I would say that until my college years, my life was controlled by fear and anxiety, with frequent bouts of panic attacks and nervous stomach problems. To soothe my emotional pain and loneliness, I learned from a young age that attention from men felt pretty nice, especially since I didn’t get it from my father (at least not positive attention). I learned that, if I looked good, I got more attention, and then I felt more valuable. So I put all my energy into “looking good.” Approving looks from men, dates, any attention I could get made me feel amazingly euphoric, and it kept me searching for even more. It became an addiction, and I was not happy unless I had a guy around or at least the possibility of one to give me attention.
I married at nineteen, after my first year of college. I was involved in a campus ministry at the time that was really teaching me to grow. It was then that I had my first conscious decision to turn my WILL over to God. It was during this time that God began speaking to me, in a way that I could hear and understand—not in an audible voice but through thoughts, other people, His Word, or circumstances. He told me specifically and unexpectedly one night, while driving in my car, that He had adopted me as his daughter, and that He would not go back on that covenant with me. I had become his “flesh and blood” relative when He adopted me. My fears of a forgotten sin sending me to eternal hell were put to rest once and for all that night. I never again doubted that I had eternal life because I knew that only a direct word from God Himself could have changed my thinking in this area, and that is exactly what happened. This was an important step for me to start having a vital growing trust relationship with God, overcoming the obstacle of conditional love that I had experienced from humans up to this point.
John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
If I said that fear controlled my life up until college, it was then that anger took over, especially anger toward myself. The self-loathing I had since childhood really blossomed into full hatred. I hated who I was (I turned out a lot like my dad, somehow), and wanted desperately to change. I was especially angry that the harder I tried to change, the worse I got. I begged God to change me, but it seemed as if I was talking to a deaf ear because nothing changed. I was angry with God because I felt He was not answering my prayers to change me, and it was a reasonable prayer. I battled the same habit pattern sins over and over again, never experiencing victory, despite my earnest pleadings with God to take them away. My life seemed powerless over sin. I was wrapped up tightly in a web of lies the enemy was feeding me that couldn’t be untangled, mostly because I didn’t even know I was being lied to.
There were years of depression, no joy, no peace, or any of the other fruits of the spirit, so that I wondered how I could possibly be saved, except I clung to what God had spoken to me. The enemy was trying to destroy the plans that God had for my life, by keeping me in bondage to the lies that I believed. The lies were so numerous, some starting in childhood and many others picked up along the way. That is how the enemy kept me down in such despair. As soon as I would make some progress, he would throw a lie out at me, I would believe it, and I would sink down in the same old patterns. It was a merry-go-round that I couldn’t get off. Sometimes God would be real to me or speak to me, but mostly I felt as if I was flailing around in deep darkness and confusion. What didn’t help was that I knew I was a Christian, and because of that, I was supposed to have answers. I was supposed to overcome and live a fruitful, joyful life. I felt like a salesman who didn’t believe in her own products. What did I have to share with anyone? It wasn’t working for me, why would they want it? I really had no idea how to experience God’s grace and I was jealous of those people who had a sin marked life that came to repentance and salvation, describing the feeling of being free for the first time with such elation that I couldn’t understand or imagine. The words of John 10:10 rang true in my life…at least the first half of the verse.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity.
Then God again spoke these words to my heart and revived a tiny spark of hope that He had something better for me—something far above my defeated life. I knew He wanted to set me free and to give me hope, but how?? I was clueless. At one point, He began doing amazing miracles in my life. I was beginning to really trust Him and taste His awesome plans. I was actually getting excited about my future and then, KAPOWIE!! The enemy swooped down with some even bigger and more powerful lies than ever. I came to a HUGE crisis of belief, but I was powerless to fight them yet, so I suddenly and completely doubted God’s power and interest in my little life, and I took the bait. I sunk down to the lowest point of my life of sin and rebellion, tired of trying. I lost hope. I lost perspective. I threw up my hands in utter defeat and decided it was easier to just go with my flesh, fly my little white flag, and quit fighting. I was tired of the battle. I knew that the enemy would leave me alone if I gave up, and things would certainly be simpler. What I didn’t expect was that God wouldn’t leave me alone. At my lowest place ever, LOVE followed me and didn’t give up on me.
Psalm 18:16-19, “He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me out into a spacious place; He rescued me because He delighted in me.”
God gave me a new life. I can’t explain in so short a time how it all happened, but it did. Paradoxically, through my sin and failure, I was finally changed when mercy met me at the bottom. I have experienced the grace, forgiveness, and redeeming power of a loving and Sovereign God like never before in my life. He has taught me to trust Him and believe Him by teaching me how to live by the truth.
John 8:31, 32 “To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
I have been set free. Free from sin and death, and free from lies that have been trying to destroy my life from the beginning. God has taught me the truth, and taught me to fight the enemy with truth. That is how Jesus did it, and that is how I am defeating the enemy every time he comes to me and tries to steal my hope and my future. My testimony is how God took a completely sinful, powerless, weak, angry, fearful loser and made me, by His redeeming power and love, into a confident, joyful, free, purposeful, peaceful woman who is excited about my future. He has given sight to the blind, and brought light to my darkness. He has put the power of truth in my mouth, my head, and my heart so that I can stand in faith and defeat all the lies that the enemy hurls at me. Those lies used to work on me. Not anymore. My testimony to believers is to learn the truth. Your life will be free to the degree that you know, understand, believe, and stand on the truth, which is the Word of God. That is your weapon (Ephesians 6).
I am so thankful that God has given me a testimony. I am a woman who believes in my products now. I know what I have and what I have been saved from. I have experienced the incredible power of grace. The testimony of truth that God has put on my heart is powerful to affect the lives of others, and to defeat the enemy in his lies.
Revelation 12:8, “They overcame [Satan] by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony…”
To God be the Glory.
Julie